Denial is an odd and powerful thing.
It keeps one thinking something is true, or not true, for an indeterminate amount of time after experience, knowledge, or other factors have proven that thing to be otherwise.
It holds one static in time, frozen right at the moment before the knowledge that caused life to come crashing in.
I lost a coworker about 7 weeks ago. The moment before I found out, I had been at a restaurant with a friend. We were having a wonderful time. Then the news came, and the world went remote, a strange juxtaposition of the good and the bad, happiness and crushing sadness. Ever since, I have felt like the news was not true, that it could not have happened. That it was a hoax; that at any time, that person will come walking back in and take his desk as usual, cracking some joke about why he’d been gone so long.
I felt like this as we collectively mourned in the office, placing banners and signing cards. I felt like it when we held the memorial and met the family, seeing his likeness in others. I felt like that as the family came to the office to collect his things, clearing his desk to a sterile, impersonal default.
I still feel like this today despite having had a chance to cry, to grieve, to keep going. Still in denial, still frozen in time.
~selah