I’ve always described it as feeling “parallel”. It’s what I called the feeling that I was next to, but never quite in, any social group growing up. Always on the outside looking in.
The feeling has persisted over time, too. I’ve alternated between proud, ashamed, desperate, lonely, and finally accepting of it. I’ve been called weird, too serious, not serious enough, and the worst was when I was called nothing at all, totally ignored.
Parallel.
I was an exceedingly messy child in terms of keeping my spaces clean, but I did well in school. Especially in the homeschool format during my formative years that catered to my chaotic but driven sensibilities; I was given assignments but would be able to complete all my schoolwork by midmorning at latest, then spent the day pursuing a hundred different hobbies from handcrafts of all kinds, to “investigation” and naturalism in the backyard, to animal care, to creating a whole chart of all of the family’s power usage over the course of several months because I found the meter fascinating. (And then, of course, my family was an early adopter of the home computer which became a shared obsession amongst the whole family.) I struggled to complete projects for school, but if they were for my own hobbies I pursued them with singular focus, collecting interests like they were jewelry to use and admire.
In high school and a major move, I lost all my friends. Email was still in early use at the time, and none of my old friends used it. After the move, I still was the strange one who sought shelter in the woods or the library, but I did manage to make some good new friends that I kept through high school to college and beyond. And along came the full-blown internet, and my accidental but wonderful discovery of a few best friends that I’ve rarely (if ever) met but communicate with online to this day. I also wrote constantly, used the computer as much as I was allowed, and continued to do craft projects, participating in a number of “swaps” where I would create a set number of items, send them to a central person, and receive that number of different things back.
But, I struggled a bit in college. I did well when I tried, but waited till the last minute constantly and was a pretty solid B student. Never as low as a C (except one black mark on my record), but never the shining example of academia either. I had to do most homework between classes… or else it would be getting done on the way to turn it in, rarely at home. I started projects and video games but finished few (and I can remember things I finished because they stand out). Still, somehow I did manage to finish a proper education, and graduated in 4.5 years with a major and one class shy of a minor. (Still kicking myself for that, but… the things I took instead were also worth it.)
And so we come to adulthood, where I fail at housework, but manage to keep a job and pay the bills. I constantly forget to stay in touch with people or overestimate the time to get somewhere, but I constantly apologize for being thoughtless because it’s never intentional. I’ve been told more times than I can count, “how did you survive to adulthood like this?” but somehow, I managed. Some of my methods fall into rigid disciplines (like always putting my keys and wallet in the same place so I never lose them) or setting up automation (online payments are a blessing) so that I don’t have to try to remember them. I almost never reach a single goal I set, but if motivated I can keep a habit almost instantly. I feel like a contradiction.
Parallel.
So, when an insightful therapist I’d been working with said I should look into ADHD I was floored. I researched it and… nearly every single thing made sense. I never had the constant need for action or the continual loss of personal items, but that’s not all that’s involved. I am still seeking an official diagnosis so of course, this is just my opinion and may not actually be true till/unless it’s confirmed. And I have found ways to cope and get along and live a mostly “normal” life and maintain responsibilities. I’ve never been a total failure as a person. But always still on the edge, there is that feeling.
Parallel.
~selah
